


Personal Monsoon

by SpookyFaces



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Brendon Urie - Freeform, Broken Hearts, Leaving cities, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Messy heads, Minor Character Death, joshler - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-09
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-09-16 12:15:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9270779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpookyFaces/pseuds/SpookyFaces
Summary: "What happened to you?" - I ask quietly. Tyler laughs ironically and shakes his head. His eyes never leave the floor."Tyler, talk to me."He leans forwards, elbows resting on his knees."What do you want to know, Joshua?""What happened? After Jenna's death you.. Why are you-""A hooker?" - He asks, eyebrows rising up and a cold smirk painting on his face. I nod and his smile drops.__Josh never stopped loving him.That's why he left, weeks before Tyler's wedding. But they meet again. Years have passed, their lives have changed, tragedies did happen. Josh has a fiancé now.But he never stopped loving Tyler. And he can't help the boy he always loved.No one can.





	1. Ty

"Do you love her?"

“I’m sleeping.. Go away.”

That was it. Words, that have been mumbled. Half-asleep. And I felt like I was hundreds of miles away from him. I was left without hope. I was lonely. He was not mine. I turned around and locked up in my room. I sank to the floor, tears choking me. He was a hurricane. He fucked me up. He destroyed me. And I.. I was a breeze. The only thing I loved in this world was the soul, the body that was lying on the couch behind this wall. And while sitting on that god damn floor, I realized what it is like to be nobody, to have nothing. To disappear.

 

—

Morning.  
It’s raining again.   
I hear the voices coming from the kitchen.   
It’s been two years since we've all lived here. Together, in this small flat. We are strangers, who love living together. We don’t have anyone except each-other.

“It’s really cold,huh?” - This voice. I will recognize it everywhere. “Do you love rain, Josh?” This stupid question. 

“No, I don’t.” - My voice cracks. It happens in the mornings.

“Can we talk?” 

“About what?”

“You know..” - He approaches my bed and sits down, beside me. I move away. “I hear your knuckles meeting the walls every night. And then.. I see blood in the mornings.” He touched my fingers and I flinch. Stop it. “What is happening to you?”

Something breaks inside of me. I shake my head and try to smile.

“Everything’s fine. Don’t think about it.”

“I’m worried.” 

What? No,no, don’t. Why do you have to break into my world and then leave, like you always do? Why are you sitting so close to me? I feel my body trembling. I want you to leave. I want to stare at the ceiling and be alone. 

“Look at me.”

No, I won’t. I don't close the windows anymore, I stopped feeling cold. I stopped feeling at all. And here you are, mumbling about how worried you are. I love you, and you are worried.

“Say something.”

“Did you chose the wedding date?” 

“Uh.. Yeah. Jenna chose.. End of October”

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.  
I crawl out of the blankets and move to him. He touches my cheek.

“Tyler, don’t..” 

“Please..” - I see the pain in his eyes. I can’t stand it. I look down, avoiding him is the best thing I can do.

“I really like your eyes.” - He says and closes his eyes. And that’s it.

I can’t control myself, I can’t stop. My fingers crawl into his hair. I get lost in the passion as my lips meet his chapped ones. I kiss his lips, cheeks, neck. I feel his tears stroking my skin. My head spins. He is mine. Just for one day, for some hours. He is here, he is mine. We kiss and it rains. The rain I will never forget.

“Do you love me..?” - He whispers. I disconnect my lips from his neck and look into his eyes. But I don’t answer. Instead I kiss him more. Deeper, messier. He tastes like strawberries. Strawberries I will never forget.

And then he leaves. He says he will come back tomorrow. But it’s nonsense. I won’t be here tomorrow. I'll be gone.  
It is 3 am. I collect all my stuff. Wow, am I really worth this much? Two suitcases. 

I don’t go to his room, I don’t say my good bye. I leave my keys on the kitchen table. I don’t think anyone will notice me being gone. Maybe Patrick will. Maybe he won't. 

It rains.  
Bus stop.  
Suitcases.  
Strawberry taste.  
Night.  
To nowhere.

 

—


	2. Bren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Panic attack (kinda?)

New city.  
New life.  
New worries and stories. 

Sometimes I think that I forgot that evening, with him. One year ago. But I was never good at lying. Especially to myself.  
I love walking to this bridge every night. I needed more money for cigarettes, so I started working in the bar next to my dark flat. I get lots of tips from people. "For deep eyes", as they say. But I don't really care. I'm just glad I get enough money to buy a pack of Marlboros and a little bottle of whiskey.. These two spend every night with me. 

It's one of these nights. I've got a new pack of cigarettes in my pocket, the ones I bought with the tip from a blonde girl. She had pretty freckles. I don't really know why, but today I've got the feeling that I am not lonely. I've got tons of memories and an alcohol in my blood. I approach the edge of the bridge and look down to the water. One step could change everything. It could end me, end everything. I never understood how the world would continue to exist after my death. I always thought everything will stop and disappear with me. How selfish.  
I hear someone's footsteps behind me.

"Hey." - I spin around. A boy was standing in front of me. Probably my age. Beautiful face, dark hair, bushy eyebrows and longest eyelashes I've ever seen on anyone. "You're not gonna make a suicidal scene here, right?" - He smiles nervously at me. I shake my head and try to smile back.

"You come here every night, right?" - he asks. 

I hate small talk.

"Can you talk?" - Is he reading my mind?

"I can talk. I really like this place, that's why I come here every night."

He approaches me. Closer. Closer.

"Why do you like it? It's lonely out here." - I smile and nod at him. "I get it. That's why you like it." - He stands near me and leans on the railing. Then he looks down to the water. I light a cigarette with my trembling hands.

"Why do you smoke them?" - He asks.

"Because I can't smoke and burn my memories." - He stares at me. Do I scare him?

"So.. Let's imagine you can burn the memories. Which one would you choose?"

"I can't choose. Not like this." 

He doesn't answer. He is really interesting.

"What's your name?" - I don't answer. He looks away. "I'm Brendon.." - He sighs. "The moon is really beautiful today." - I don't answer, again. 

Something reminds me of that evening. Of him. I light another cigarette. And another. And another, 

"Stop." - I look confused at him. "Smoking. Stop. They say it cuts your life in a half." 

I light two cigarettes at the same time and look at him. He frowns, grabbing them from my lips and throws them away.  
I lean on the railing and close my eyes.

"Hey.." - This "hey" again. But my head is filled with thoughts about that kiss. And rain. My eyes meet his dark, pretty ones.

"I like your eyelashes." - My voice cracks. It happens in the evenings.

"And I like your eyes." - He answers. "I think your different. From everyone."

"Well, maybe I am.. But I never liked this fact." 

"I've got an idea." - His eyes light up. " Let's burn some memories."

"How?"

"Simple. " - He looks at me. "Just share them. With me." 

I shake my head. And then.. He touched my fingers. My knuckles.

"Maybe.. You will tell me where did you get these scars?" - He looks down to my fist. The one that met and broke the walls of that house too many times.

And fuck. Everything is back. Everything I tried so hard to forget.  
I smash my fist on the railing. I scare him, but he doesn't leave. The air chokes me. I want to scream. I start sobbing. I sit down on the cold asphalt and hide my face in my palms. I want him gone. I want Tyler gone. From me, from my mind. I want that rain to be gone. I'm shaking, I am losing myself. I am nobody. I feel my cheeks getting wet. I can't control myself. Him. Him. Him. Get out. Leave my mind alone. Strawberry taste, rain dropping, his laugh, his dimples. "GET AWAY!" - I scream. I am sorry,I didn't want to. Trembling went down to my bones,I feel every cell of my body burning. I guess, this is what death feels like. And then.. He's gone. Tyler is gone. I'm still shaking but.. He left me. I forget that evening. I forget his taste. I lift a head from my hands and sniffle.  
The boy with beautiful eyelashes. He is crouched near me, his scared eyes dart from one place to another. I let a shaking breath out.

"Hey.. I'm.. Sorry,fuck, I didn't know." - His voice trembles. I look up at him, and try to smile. "You're beautiful." - He says to me.

"I am sorry." - I whisper. He touches my cheek. And suddenly I lock him in my embrace. I wanted to hug him so much. He hugs me harder. He is really strong. 

"Breathe.." - He whispers to me. I realize I stopped breathing a minute ago. I pull away and from him look down on my hands. They were covered in blood.

"Can I kiss you?" - He asks. Our eyes meet. He doesn't wait for a respond. He crashes his lips with mine. I don't really want to, but I kiss him back. I am glad Tyler left me. Brendon is stroking my bloody knuckles with his fingers and continues to kiss me. He loves me. Yes, just like that. In one hour. He fell in love with me. 

"I love you." - He mumbles. I knew it. My head is spinning. He finally pulls away. "Hey,you're shaking.."

I don't hear the rest of his words. I lean with my back on the railing and close my eyes. I don't think. There is nothing to think about. Nobody. He is gone.

Tyler is gone from my mind.

And I am gone too.


	3. Josh

“.. 12.30$. Is that all,sir?”

“Oh, and a pack of red Marlboro, please.”

“Of course.” - A young girl turns around to reach the cigarettes.

“You need to quit, Josh. Seriously.” - Brendon mumbles in my ear as he squeezes my fingers. I smile at him and kiss his temple, inhaling his smell. This is the smell that wakes me up in the mornings and the smell that follows me to sleep. The smell that has lighted my way in the darkest times. The smell that never leaves me.  
I grab a bag of groceries and we walk out of the building.

“Oh shit. Bren, go start a car, I forgot to buy my migraine pills.”

Brendon nods, kisses me on cheek and walks away. I walk down the street and open a door to the pharmacy and.. I freeze.  
I can’t move. I can’t breathe. I can’t think.

I see a familiar silhouette in far corner. In fact, I can only see his back. But it is enough to give me this unbearable pain in my guts. I swallow hard and approach him. He is standing here, right in from of me, his back slightly curved, fingers shaking..

“Ty?” - I whisper quietly. Two letters. I have not used them for 3 years. He turns around and looks up at me.  
Oh..  
He has lost weight. A lot of weight. Black circles round his deep, honey eyes. His lips are chapped and faded.

But he still is beautiful. Of course he is.

“Josh?” - His voice is weak. Even for him. His eyes go wide.

“Hey. Yes it’s.. It’s me. How are you?” - I try to smile at him. He avoids my gaze.

“I’m fine.. You?” - Tyler squeezes the pill bottle in his hands. His knuckles get white from the pressure.

“Yeah, me too.” - My throat burns. My stomach is twisted. My insides scream at me. "What are you doing here?”

“I needed to buy my pills.” - He shrugs. Pills? What pills?

“Uh, okay.. Um, Where's Jenna?”

Idiot. Why did I have to ask this? Tyler’s brows furrow for a moment. He tries to smile at me. But fails.

“Jenna’s gone.”

I stop breathing once again. What does it mean?  
Did they break up?  
Was the wedding ruined?  
Did she leave him?  
Did he not show up at the altar?

“Oh.. I’m sorry..” - I try to sound sincere. Why do I feel relieved? "What happened?”

He looks down at his feet. I want to hug him.

“4 months ago we were in a car accident. I broke two ribs and had a concussion. Jenna did not pull through. The truck hit us on her side,so..” - His face is blank. Expressionless. Eyes empty. Voice quiet,small.

“Fuck.. Oh fuck Ty I am so sorry..” - I move to touch him. but he flinches away. He looks up at me, and finally there is an emotion in his eyes.

Desperation. Pain.

I bet his pills are antidepressant. Does anyone take care of him? Does anyone count his pills, like I count Brendon’s?

Oh, hell..

“You left.” - He says suddenly. I did. I left him. And he needed me. My lungs burn.

“I needed to.. We were wrong.. I..” - I cover my face with hands and sigh. He keeps staring at me.

“You left.” - He whispers again. I shake my head, tears gather up in my eyes. Why the hell did I walk into this pharmacy? Fuck my pills, fuck my migraines. The phone buzzes in my pocket. It’s probably Brendon. He must be worried.

“Ty I need to go.. Can you uh, give me your number? We can meet and talk.. Or if you need anything, I..”

“Bye, Josh.” - He interrupts me and his voice cracks. He spins on his heel and walks towards cashiers. I stare at his back, unable to move. His hands shake so badly he even drops his pill bottle.

I sigh.

Fuck this.

Everything happens in a second, I don’t even register my movements. I rush to him and turn him around, hands clutching on his shoulders. I lock him in my embrace and bury my nose in his messy hair. This smell. The one I thought I forgot. The one which never left me.

“You left me..”- I feel his hot breath tickling my neck. His cheeks are wet, his fingers are clutching on my back. He is shaking. I am shaking too. I don’t want to let him go. I don’t want to pull away.

But I do. He smiles at me. Tries to smile.. His dimples are still the same..

I can’t look him in the eyes. I can’t..

“Bye,Ty..” - I mumble and turn around.

I walk out. The wind strokes my pink curls. I take a few steps before leaning on the brick wall and letting out a wet sob. Everything hurts. I sink to the ground, hands gripping my hair.

What have I done. How could I leave him. He looks dead. He is destroyed. What if he tries to kill himself? This might be the last time I ever saw him..

I pull out my cellphone from the pocket.

“U ok? Hurry up, I already miss ur skin.”

Bren.

I get up, knees shaking underneath me. And I walk away.

I leave Tyler.

Again..

—

I’ve met Tyler a month ago. Today, they found a body in the river, down the bridge. I don’t want to know who they were. I don’t want to know, because I’m scared.

I’m scared his smell will leave me.

I’m scared he left me.

So I turn off the TV. I throw away our newspapers. Brendon doesn’t question it. He strokes my shoulders, he kisses my lips.

Brendon doesn’t taste like strawberries.


	4. Blurry

"Wallet?"

"Check."

"Chargers?"

"Check."

"Pills?"

"Check."

"Good-bye kiss?"

"Che.. Oh, you silly." - Brendon giggles and meets my lips with his soft ones. I melt into the kiss, feeling his smile growing wider. He pulls away and sighs,his eyes still locked on my face. "I'm gonna miss you so much, J."

"Hey,it's only for a week,right? Plus, it's the first time they are sending you on the meeting to New York, Bren. It's important for your job."

"I know, I know." - He smiles at me. The announcer mumbles something about the flight when I hand my boyfriend his suitcase and coat. 

"So... See you?" - I scratch my neck.

"See you, baby." - He kisses my cheek before turning around and walking away.

__

I don't even know how or why I ended up here. This club is the last thing I would expect myself to be. I'm not a heavy-drinker, and I don't really enjoy loud music and drunk people. But today, the sadness filled up my heart. Maybe because our house feels so lonely and empty without Brendon. Maybe, because it's my personal anniversary of leaving my hometown. I am holding a beer in my hand, cigarette is located between my lips as I examine the place. Nobody looks happy in here. Nobody is glad to be alive and for some reason, it gives me a nasty feeling. Death has always inspired me, like a dog inspires a rabbit. In a scary, intimidating way. I shake my head and try to get rid of the dark thoughts.

I look to the furthest corner from my sight. That's when my heart misses a bit.

I see the familiar silhouette, familiar fluffy brown hair and shaking shoulders. I see long fingers darting on some man's chest, I see the lips I used to adore leaving wet marks on someone else's neck. My grip loosens and my bottle of beer meets the floor with a loud crash. For a moment, every pair of eye in the room flies to my direction. Even his lips leave the stranger's body and his coffee-eyes meet mine. But then they shut back, as he turns back to the kissing. I look down at the broken glass.

"You okay,man?!" - I hear barman's loud voice over the loud music.

"Y-Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry." - I mumble. I want to stand up and run away, but my knees are too weak to support me. So I just keep sitting there, staring at my shaking fingers and trying to steady my heartbeat. I feel somebody leaning on the bar besides me. 

"Tequila,double." - He says and his voice messes up with my heart again. It's way more hoarse than I remembered. I can't look up at him. 

"You sure,Ty?" - Barman sounds concerned. "It's your fifth,man." 

"I am fucking sure,Mark." - Something inside of me twists. He always hated swearing. I finally lift my eyes and stare at him. He looks thinner than ever. His messy hair falls down at his forehead, dark circles around his eyes got bigger and blacker. I open my mouth but no sound escapes. As the barman pours Tequila, Tyler takes his shot and speaks up, without even looking at me.

"Hello, Joshua." - He mumbles.

I still can't find any words to say, so I hum in response,staring at him.

"How have you been?" - He slurs. He's too drunk for standing, so he stumbles before falling down on the chair next to me and runs his hand through his messy hair. He doesn't look up at me. 

Look at me, Ty.

"I-I am okay. How are you?" - How's your life going? Have you stopped taking your pills? You still hanging there? You did not kill yourself, thank you.

He shrugs, staring at the empty glass in front of him. I want to lock him into my embrace and never let him go. 

"So, Tyler." - The barman leans forward, so that Tyler can hear him. "How much did he give you?"

"Fifty." - Tyler answers without looking away from that stupid glass. "I did not blow him, he just wanted to make out."

"Oh, that's rare." - Mark mumbles. "You've had any other clients?"

"Yeah, three. One blowjob and two fucks." 

My heart drops. Tyler, he.. This can't be true. This is so,so wrong. I don't even notice my eyes going wide and my breath hitching. But Tyler does. He rises his eyebrows.

"What?" 

I don't register my movements. I grab his hand, and fly up to my feet, dragging him with me. We walk through the mass of people towards the door. I hear his protests and questions, but I just squeeze him harder. As the door shuts behind us, the cold air hits my face and that's when I realize what I'm doing. I let go of his hand.

"What the fuck, Joshua?!" - He shouts, clutching at his hand. 

"I'm sorry I.. You.. " - I try to catch my breath. "Y-You're a hooker?!" 

His face flushes red with an anger. He knits his brows and shakes his head.

"Fuck you." - Tyler turns around to walk back inside. stumbling slightly. I grab his another hand.

"No,no. Don't.. I am sorry, please." - I beg. He doesn't turn around, but stops walking. "Ty, I am so sorry for everything that has happened to you. But this.. You are better than.."

"What do you even know about me?!" - He snaps, looking me in the eyes. "When was the last time we spoke?! You don't know me, Joshua. You don't know what I've been through.." - His voice breaks and I see tears gathering up in his eyes. I near him, our faces just inches apart.

"Please, please don't leave.." - I whisper, staring down at his lips. Trembling,chapped,faded lips. I want to taste them. He smells like a mix of alcohol, nicotine and.. Strawberries.

"I am not the one who always leaves, Joshua." - He whispers back, his voice full of pain. My heart shatters into peaces like that bottle of the beer back in the club.

"Come with me. You need to sober up and then.."

"I will lose clients. If you want me to come, you have to pay. More than any of them would."

"I will do whatever you say." - I nod quickly. "How much?"

"300$"

"Yes. Okay." - I don't even think about how horrible this situation is. I need to take him home. Away from these people. Away from everyone. 

"Fine." - His strawberry sent hits my face as he walks past me. He's shaking. He's afraid..

Ty,don't be afraid. We're going home.


	5. Jen

Tyler's sitting on the couch, his eyes glued to the floor. I've been pacing in the room for almost an hour now, desperately trying to think of what to say to him. He is quiet, he did not glance up at me, not even once. I finally sit down on the coffee table, rubbing my eyes with my thumbs. I sigh.

"What happened to you?" - I ask quietly. Tyler laughs ironically and shakes his head. His eyes never leave the floor. "Tyler, talk to me."

He leans forwards, elbows resting on his knees.

"What do you want to know, Joshua?"

"What happened? Why are you-"

"A whore?" - He asks, eyebrows rising up and a cold smirk painting on his face. I nod. His smile drops and he stares down at his shaking fingers. He speaks up, his voice hoarse and broken.

"Years ago,I married a wonderful woman. A perfection, to be honest. Loyal, loving, understanding, magnificent woman.. My Jenna. We've lived happily for a short amount of time. I had the boring office-job, but it gave us enough money to have everything we wanted. She loved christmases and apple pies. She loved summer rains and long, warm nights. She loved holding my hand in public and kissing my neck. She once told me her grandmother - Ruby - taught her how to dance tango. That's what we were going to name our daughter.. Ruby." - His eyes shimmer from the tears gathering up.

"We were returning home from the dinner at her parents' house. She was laughing and telling me about a tv-show she watched that morning. For a second a lost control, I don't even know.." - He sniffs, tears are sliding down his face. He wipes them with the sleeve of his hoodie.

"I remember the crash. The loud noise coming from her side.. And then - nothing. I wake up, days after the accident. Tubes,wires going in and out form my body. Doctors running around, holding pieces of papers. They told me she died in a second. We were going to have baby in two weeks, Josh. Our baby died with her. My small family died in a second." - Tyler is sobbing now, hands covering his face. My arms are locked around his thin frame as he shakes violently.

"I did not know what to do. I was left alone. Empty. With this void inside of me. I've started going to the therapy but it never helped. I took pills for my depression and insomnia, but nothing helped. I tried to kill myself, but my neighboughs found me."

My chest tightens. I feel the wetness on my cheeks. I look at him and can't recognize the man I've loved once.

"Then I met some people. Strange people. But they helped me. They showed me the way to forget myself. They introduced me to the underground world, and that's where I am now." - He shakes his head and finally, for the first time, looks up at me.

"You left me, Joshua. We kissed and you.. You fucking left me. I needed you. We were best friends and the suddenly.." - His voice cracks and I understand he's not capable of talking anymore, I hold him close as he shakes and sobs in the crook of my neck. My own face is smeared with tears paths. His hot breath tickles my skin. His scent is all I can feel.

"I am so sorry, Ty." - I manage to whisper. His sobs fill up my apartment. I swear to God I could hear his heart breaking, again and again, thousand times. My Tyler, breaking down and shuttering in front of me. My Tyler, the boy I tried so desperately to forget all these years.

"Everything will be alright." - I murmur.

"The world is built on that.." - He finishes the quote and looks up at me. I am still holding him. "Bulgakov."

"Remember how we used to read his novels in my room?" - I ask.

He laughs at this, his heartbeat is steading.

"Of course I do. You were obsessed with him."

I nod and smile from the memories coming up in the back of my mind. Me and Tyler, years ago, hiding underneath the covers of my bed. He was holding a small flashlight as I was reading to us. We were young. So young..

"I've never stopped loving you, Joshua." - He suddenly says. "Even when I married Jenna. Even when she told me that she was pregnant. The first thing that came up in my mind was you. I've never stopped.. I needed you.."

I am lost for words. I tighter my grip on his shoulders.

"I've never stopped loving you too."

"Do you love him?" - Tyler asks quietly. I know he saw photos of me and Brendon hugging, kissing and laughing together. He saw them all. He saw my life.

"I do." - I whisper. I hear his heart breaking once again.

"I am happy for you. You deserve to be happy." - He whispers back.

"You deserve it too, Ty."

He sighs and closes his eyes.

"...Let the water wash away everything that we've become." - He whispers one last time before the sleep covers up.


End file.
